Sunday, July 3, 2016

My Addiction

I journal....no surprise that I write out all my inner most over thinking.  Writing helps me sort me.....and I do go back and read what I have written.  They say the definition to insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result....so I read myself to see what insanity I have going on.  I could do a secret true confession here and tell you I am addicted to sugar.....yep.  But really my epiphany from reading myself is...I am addicted to STRIVING.

I wondered if my addiction is unique to me...or if it is a human nature issue....that striving for more/better/change; cleaner flanks, bigger outruns, more sheep.......the list goes on and on for the things I fall into striving for.  Perhaps I strive to keep myself from falling into "settling" which is a huge fear of mine.  Not giving my all and falling short to then feel the disappointment and excuse turning into "well that was the best I could do" knowing that I gave only half a heart.

If one edge of the knife is "settling" is the other "always striving?"  The idea really smacked me after I ran my half marathon last year......it took me a good year to train and fundraise. The whole trip was magical and the run itself was a dream come true experience. But after the race......there was this huge hole in me......I'd achieved my goal and then....now what?  A faster half marathon, a longer race, a race in Europe...all the possibilities and yet that feeling of "that was it?"

Having a bit of a critical nature, being a bit of a perfectionist...well those two traits really hold hands to create a purpose of never ending striving.  I look around and see that striving might be a human "issue" really.  All those striving for more...better dogs, bigger land, thinner bodies, more money.  Of course when you mix in some comparison with the striving...well, holy hell, Batman!

I'm off to a sheepdog trail this coming weekend.......I've trained a bit and worked a lot more.  We shipped lambs on Thursday and Sis got some hard pen work mixed with learning to work with me on a quad.  I love the days of work.....with or without the dogs.  I'll head to the trial; the little test to see what I have in my relationships with my girls...how far I've come with the work in me and my fairness and partnership.  And somehow, I hope to find the tip of my knife; that little place between 'settling' and 'striving'......that place where I know....life is good!

seize the day

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