Thursday, January 7, 2016

It's Never Enough

I've been told that when a dog is ready to cross the rainbow bridge....they will tell you.  I used to take comfort in that promise.  "You'll know.....you'll know when it's time".  And yet I find myself clinging to today.  What if I'M NOT READY!!!!!! I don't want to say good bye for now.....I want you to sleep next to me at night, curling up tight into my back as if I was your only source of warmth, forever.   I stop and give myself THAT pep talk...the same one I gave myself when I put my Snook down.  It's the gift we get to give our dogs....the peaceful, pain-free passing.  And yet, I feel like I am letting her down!  Am I giving up too soon?  Are there more days to share between us?? The responsibility weighs so heavy on my heart.  I don't want her to suffer because I am a weak suck and I can not imagine my life without her.

My vet will arrive at 2:45.....I know the drill.  He'll ask me if I am certain; he wants me to have no regrets.  I'll tell him "yes" because I have searched through all my options.  I can prolong this, how many days, I am not sure.  Hand feeding her rotisserie chicken, rubbing her back and she pukes in the middle of the night and early mornings.  I can sit with her on the couch and stroke her little head and whisper sweet nothings into ear.  But I know...she is in pain.  She has good moments but they are fewer now, fewer than the bad.  And the bad, she takes because she wants to be with me. Always has, always will.

I took her for a walk around the pond today...just me and her.  She loved the forest of old Christmas trees grown big and wanted to test the pond water but lack of trust in her body got the best of her. She looked at me as if to say "why have we not done this before?"  Why indeed you naughty little Jack Russell; mostly blind, very deaf and full of self serving attitude.  Today she just followed me, delightfully sniffing all the smells of country living.  She had the most difficult time with the move here, but now I believe she loves it the most.  She sat and waited for me at the back gate while I did my chores, all snug in her pink and green tartan jacket.  Our ritual followed to the finest of details as I walked back through the gate, jumping up and nipping at my hand and prancing back to the house.  Exhausted from the field trip, she now lays tucked up against me as I write out my breaking heart.

God, please grant me the strength to be a promise keeper.