This morning, I wish I had some of Eminem's word magic so I could weave some wicked lyrical pictures for my 2013 farewell party. No such luck, and maybe for the best anyway!
Erin Stutland encourages me to make a top five list of what I loved about 2013. I find it hard to whittle 365 days of experience down to a top five list. I look to my vision board and find a year well lived with intention and purpose. I qualified both Nell and Bella to run at the Finals. I found personal courage to dig deep and face life head on. I've found the most amazing support system of friends that not only encourage me to be more (or less as the case might be) but come along side me to see me through: helping at the airport so I would be comfortable flying dogs, driving days on end, welcoming impromptu visits, listening and talking through stinking thinking, trying to understand my college football passion all the while supporting the crazies......the list goes on. I've re-carpeted some of the house and actually made a guest bedroom with newly painted walls and a comfy bed. I've found some bones.
Danielle LaPorte's Desire Map is what's been in my mind as I look towards 2014. I've never spruced up my vision board using "how do you want to feel" as any sort of reference point. That idea is a little uncomfortable to me when I look at the question from a first glance, superficial point of view. I've spent my life trying to feel comfortable, liked, pain-free. I've wrapped myself in a protective covering, built walls, and a list of other actions that really did not actually make me feel a certain way nor did they keep me from feeling anything. I've been digging a little deeper on this "how do you want to feel" question and find that the answers I am uncovering aren't about NOT feeling...which is sort of what I was trying to do if I really look at things.
How do I want to feel? Healthy, strong, hungry, learning, drama-free, adventurous, focused, mindful, sharp, prepared, BADASS, improved, authentic. For the things I long for, I know I need to be; so instead of building walls, maybe I'll build a small bridge with discernment as the gatekeeper. I also know I can risk, all the while checking in for function and health.
I know the thoughts I think are the sails filled with the wind of life, directing my boat. My muscle memory of self talk needs positive core strength development. I know, too well, I can be my hardest critique and my own worst enemy, which has allowed for some boundary-less endeavors. I wonder if 2014 might be about quitting.....letting go......trying softer......in the drama side of life. Having a bit of an overthinker side to me, some of modern technology seems to create or, at the least, allow more compulsion. I ponder cold turkey or healthy boundary...but wonder if Facebook, with its competition posturing side, might be like sugar or crack.....better not even sampled as that one taste becomes a whole cake day after day. I believe for 2014 I will follow some of my friends in the path of deeper relationships, even if it means fewer superficial.
I've two days left to finish thinking about what I'd like to write on my blank pages of the coming year. The opening line will type itself if I'm not diligent to living a life filled with my dreams unfolding, The feeling words: healthy, strong, hungry, learning, drama-free, adventurous, focused, mindful, sharp, prepared, BADASS, improved, authentic, leave plenty of room for creativity to the dreams the words are attached to. I say....bring on 2014!
Seize the Day!!!!
Monday, December 30, 2013
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Muscle Memory
I pulled my dog from the truck Friday morning to find, together, we had reverted back a few baby steps; darn muscle memory!!! Dot was lit, pulling on her leash while trying to greet anyone or anything that might look like it wanted to meet her. For her, on this day, I was just the driver; 'thank you very much for bringing me to the party but you can go home now!' Any correction I could dish out was met with indifference. I looked around for something, anything really, that could carry some respect. I found a flag laying amongst the grass, becoming one with the terrain from lack of use. I pried it up out of the grass's frosty grip and quickly reminded Dot of all we had been working on. "Get behind", I quietly reminded her, her body complied while her mind teetered on that edge of wild, thoughtless abandon.
Always after the fact, there at things I remember to remind myself about. Just a few weeks ago, after trying with everything in me to get Dot to sort something out, I put her away and the next day she came out talented and gifted as if we had been doing that all her life. After the fact, I remembered: Dot is a latent learner! Much in the same was, I've seen and sorted over the past month that a flag creates tension in Dot. I've stopped using a flag, or a whip of any fashion, at home because of this. I'm a slow study, or maybe because I was hell bent on getting a few of my questions answered, I had a flag in my hand as I walked Miss Dot out into the clinic field. The Universe seems to always dish my plate with what I am to learn in the moment if I am willing. Willing or not, as I walked up with my dog on a leash, her mind whirling a thousand thoughts a second, me feeling all that Dot was thinking mixed in with all my clinic anxiety creating one big huge toxic cocktail, I did indeed have a flag in my hand; all the better to stir with, baby! I also did not put it down as I headed out to work her on the sheep. Old muscle memory: so many places where I could have made a different decision and the outcome might have changed. I clung to the flag.
I look at Dot and see myself. There are days where she is brilliant, a team mate trying to sort out the relationship heading towards understanding. At home, I change the picture with different fields, different tasks, mixing up the sheep, we are finding that heady journey of partnership. Then I take Dot to a new place, new sheep, different environment and she falls apart. She reverts to muscle memory: turning into that crazy, scared, reactionary, hell bent on beating, 20 month old girl that entered my life Funny how I always fall back into wondering if we will ever "get this", Dottie Jean and me. Will she every lose the tension? Will she trust me, trust herself, relax, mature? I shake myself by the scruff and know of course she will....look at how far she has come for goodness sakes. I'm back to being late to the party and have to yet again remind myself to remember this is a journey; it will happen. My attention leaves Dot and my doubt of what might lie ahead and I look at myself. I'd like to learn to let go of some of my self doubt....maybe find some trust in myself.. Will I ever get this? Will I ever do what my dogs needs right as it happens? Maybe one day, I can work a dog at a clinic being the exact same person I am while working a dog by myself anywhere else. Dot and I both need to strengthen our new, healthy muscle memory.
My clinic experience was priceless. I got what I was looking for: watching the natural come out in Dot, the melting away of tension and finding a bit of trust in herself is one of the reasons I like working Dot with Jack. I then work on the same for myself, letting go of some of the disappointment in my taking a flag out with me. I know it creates tension in Dot, she needs to be able to trust that I will do what she needs to be tension free. As I help Dot to develop new muscle memory, I wonder what I can do to join in her journey for myself? I do know that if I were not on a good road with Dot, she would have never been able to settle in and find her method at the clinic for Jack in a minute's time. As I sort, I find myself laughing; it's easier to make plans to help Dot with muscle memory. I'll be sure to keep getting her new places, make sure I am consistent in myself and what I get from her every time I do, diligently watch to see if I am creating tension or relaxing her into suppleness, allowing her to find her answers. The real question might be: How am I going to find a new muscle memory for me? How can I lose my tension at clinics? How can I stay true to myself and not fall back into old habits? I wonder if the sorting of me is the key to my dogs. I think somehow, this clinic was more about me than it was about Dot. So I soldier on, looking at myself, digging deeper, this journey certainly seems it might take a lifetime......
Seize the Day!
Always after the fact, there at things I remember to remind myself about. Just a few weeks ago, after trying with everything in me to get Dot to sort something out, I put her away and the next day she came out talented and gifted as if we had been doing that all her life. After the fact, I remembered: Dot is a latent learner! Much in the same was, I've seen and sorted over the past month that a flag creates tension in Dot. I've stopped using a flag, or a whip of any fashion, at home because of this. I'm a slow study, or maybe because I was hell bent on getting a few of my questions answered, I had a flag in my hand as I walked Miss Dot out into the clinic field. The Universe seems to always dish my plate with what I am to learn in the moment if I am willing. Willing or not, as I walked up with my dog on a leash, her mind whirling a thousand thoughts a second, me feeling all that Dot was thinking mixed in with all my clinic anxiety creating one big huge toxic cocktail, I did indeed have a flag in my hand; all the better to stir with, baby! I also did not put it down as I headed out to work her on the sheep. Old muscle memory: so many places where I could have made a different decision and the outcome might have changed. I clung to the flag.
I look at Dot and see myself. There are days where she is brilliant, a team mate trying to sort out the relationship heading towards understanding. At home, I change the picture with different fields, different tasks, mixing up the sheep, we are finding that heady journey of partnership. Then I take Dot to a new place, new sheep, different environment and she falls apart. She reverts to muscle memory: turning into that crazy, scared, reactionary, hell bent on beating, 20 month old girl that entered my life Funny how I always fall back into wondering if we will ever "get this", Dottie Jean and me. Will she every lose the tension? Will she trust me, trust herself, relax, mature? I shake myself by the scruff and know of course she will....look at how far she has come for goodness sakes. I'm back to being late to the party and have to yet again remind myself to remember this is a journey; it will happen. My attention leaves Dot and my doubt of what might lie ahead and I look at myself. I'd like to learn to let go of some of my self doubt....maybe find some trust in myself.. Will I ever get this? Will I ever do what my dogs needs right as it happens? Maybe one day, I can work a dog at a clinic being the exact same person I am while working a dog by myself anywhere else. Dot and I both need to strengthen our new, healthy muscle memory.
My clinic experience was priceless. I got what I was looking for: watching the natural come out in Dot, the melting away of tension and finding a bit of trust in herself is one of the reasons I like working Dot with Jack. I then work on the same for myself, letting go of some of the disappointment in my taking a flag out with me. I know it creates tension in Dot, she needs to be able to trust that I will do what she needs to be tension free. As I help Dot to develop new muscle memory, I wonder what I can do to join in her journey for myself? I do know that if I were not on a good road with Dot, she would have never been able to settle in and find her method at the clinic for Jack in a minute's time. As I sort, I find myself laughing; it's easier to make plans to help Dot with muscle memory. I'll be sure to keep getting her new places, make sure I am consistent in myself and what I get from her every time I do, diligently watch to see if I am creating tension or relaxing her into suppleness, allowing her to find her answers. The real question might be: How am I going to find a new muscle memory for me? How can I lose my tension at clinics? How can I stay true to myself and not fall back into old habits? I wonder if the sorting of me is the key to my dogs. I think somehow, this clinic was more about me than it was about Dot. So I soldier on, looking at myself, digging deeper, this journey certainly seems it might take a lifetime......
Seize the Day!
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Balance
As I settle into my morning routine of coffee, Facebook, and blog rolls, I see the results from local trials start to make their appearance. Scores are posted, run stories are recounted dressed out with a bit of embellishment, award pictures with handlers, dogs and esteemed judges provide proof. I look over at the faces of those who don't understand why I can't get my hinny into the truck for a drive to spin some sheep around a course, and feel torn.
That's just where I am in life right now...."Hello, my name is Lora and I'm an addict". If I could, I would trial every single weekend from now until Jesus comes back again. Living in the Pacific Northwest while coupled to the fact that I am not afraid to drive, days on end if necessary, I can legally and healthily feed my addiction. No one would be the wiser because there are others that are addicts too; which helps in my justification and makes me look a little more normal (just a little). Oh, but I did not start out this life of mine as a dog/sheep/trail/clinic/lesson addict; which makes me wonder about the genetic makeup of my disease. I can't slip into blaming my parents for this one.
This weekend, my son came home from college. Thanksgiving was the first time since August that both of my boys sat on either side of me. I felt complete, there with my husband across the other end of the table.....adults all of us, conversing, laughing, sharing stories of lives well lived. I'm getting better at management; family time is precious and football games a finite number when it comes to my flesh and blood in pads on the field. Finding balance requires great imagination as well as patience from my friends. I still chuckle about the day I listened to a football game while taking a break from a shedding clinic.....my son catching a touchdown pass and me going game day crazy. I'm sure it does not surprise anyone that my game day crazy is CAARRRAAAZZZZYYYYY especially when its my son catching the touchdown pass! But I missed it in real life. Friends stood in the gap, posting the clip of the catch on Facebook for me to watch (time and time again) while another friend watched the rerun that night with me. If I had to do it again, knowing then what I know now, I'd do it just the same (other than I would have begged the gal living next door to let me watch it on TV) Balance; I'm not sure there is any "program" that uses the word BALANCE...but I'm balancing.
"I can't; God can; I might as well let Him" becomes my mantra second to Seize the Day. Then I dig deep and work at finding balance between the things that ignite my passions: family, friends, dogs. I'm thankful that worlds collide: circles over-lapping circles as my family "gets" my dog passion and all of my besties understand my life outside the dogs. Next weekend, there is a local dog trail that I will miss. Instead I will drive up north for some dog work and dog friends then cross the mountains heading east to a play-off football game and family. Weather and roads cooperating, it will be the best of my balancing act. Today, I'm missing yet another trial down the road. I'm staying home to help pack my son's ride as he's heading back to college today. I always feel a little sad in the hours and days after he leaves. I will not miss his send off. I know too well, there will be a day where my home won't be his home and he will just visit me.
Gyp and Nell have come in and put their heads in my lap. I scratch them with deep affection, glad they don't have computers with Facebook or blog rolls. Thankfully, they don't know they are missing a local trial. Once the boy is packed and headed on his way, I think I'll take the girls out to feed my addiction, give them a spin on sheep while filling in the bit of void left behind by my boy and the unattended trial. I'm balancing my addiction.....I'll let you know how that works out for me!
Seize the Day!
That's just where I am in life right now...."Hello, my name is Lora and I'm an addict". If I could, I would trial every single weekend from now until Jesus comes back again. Living in the Pacific Northwest while coupled to the fact that I am not afraid to drive, days on end if necessary, I can legally and healthily feed my addiction. No one would be the wiser because there are others that are addicts too; which helps in my justification and makes me look a little more normal (just a little). Oh, but I did not start out this life of mine as a dog/sheep/trail/clinic/lesson addict; which makes me wonder about the genetic makeup of my disease. I can't slip into blaming my parents for this one.
This weekend, my son came home from college. Thanksgiving was the first time since August that both of my boys sat on either side of me. I felt complete, there with my husband across the other end of the table.....adults all of us, conversing, laughing, sharing stories of lives well lived. I'm getting better at management; family time is precious and football games a finite number when it comes to my flesh and blood in pads on the field. Finding balance requires great imagination as well as patience from my friends. I still chuckle about the day I listened to a football game while taking a break from a shedding clinic.....my son catching a touchdown pass and me going game day crazy. I'm sure it does not surprise anyone that my game day crazy is CAARRRAAAZZZZYYYYY especially when its my son catching the touchdown pass! But I missed it in real life. Friends stood in the gap, posting the clip of the catch on Facebook for me to watch (time and time again) while another friend watched the rerun that night with me. If I had to do it again, knowing then what I know now, I'd do it just the same (other than I would have begged the gal living next door to let me watch it on TV) Balance; I'm not sure there is any "program" that uses the word BALANCE...but I'm balancing.
"I can't; God can; I might as well let Him" becomes my mantra second to Seize the Day. Then I dig deep and work at finding balance between the things that ignite my passions: family, friends, dogs. I'm thankful that worlds collide: circles over-lapping circles as my family "gets" my dog passion and all of my besties understand my life outside the dogs. Next weekend, there is a local dog trail that I will miss. Instead I will drive up north for some dog work and dog friends then cross the mountains heading east to a play-off football game and family. Weather and roads cooperating, it will be the best of my balancing act. Today, I'm missing yet another trial down the road. I'm staying home to help pack my son's ride as he's heading back to college today. I always feel a little sad in the hours and days after he leaves. I will not miss his send off. I know too well, there will be a day where my home won't be his home and he will just visit me.
Gyp and Nell have come in and put their heads in my lap. I scratch them with deep affection, glad they don't have computers with Facebook or blog rolls. Thankfully, they don't know they are missing a local trial. Once the boy is packed and headed on his way, I think I'll take the girls out to feed my addiction, give them a spin on sheep while filling in the bit of void left behind by my boy and the unattended trial. I'm balancing my addiction.....I'll let you know how that works out for me!
Seize the Day!
Friday, November 29, 2013
Crossing My Path
"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend" ~ Melody Beattie
I took the long way home yesterday; the road that winds up through the timber dense hills breaking out into green fields of agriculture. An early morning Thanksgiving visit to the ranch to feed was in order to allow for my busy Turkey Day schedule. The day's feast needed to be whipped up while honoring our long standing family tradition of a movie in the theatre which meant a good three hours away from home. As I drove along, my mind making and checking lists, I looked up ahead around the corner darkened by thick overgrowth, just as four deer slowly stepped out onto the road. I slowed down as I approached them, watching their elegant prancing trot as they crossed over to the forest waiting to swallow them up into unnoticed blending on the other side. I came to a stop and looked left, my grandpa's forest training that has become instinct to me after years of hunting with him, and indeed it was as I knew....a big doe brought up the rear guard. I watched her cross there in front of my big red truck, pronging quickly once she passed the far head light, ending with a big leap to join her family who had already gone safely ahead. I sat still, trying to watch the family for as long as I could see them until their camouflage tricked my eyes and they could have privacy. After they were gone, I felt like I had been given a gift....one of remembering yet again that life is full of tiny little gifts if I am willing to be open and watchful for them. Willing and watchful while dying to my clock, allowing time to be filled with gratitude for small treasures I collect as life unfolds.
There are days where I allow myself to get caught up in a taken for granted life. I focus on what needs to be done, what needs to be fixed, or worse yet what I don't have, what goals have fallen short, what requests have not yet been filled. My to-do list never gets done. Not that I am not productive but there are always things to add; more projects taken on, more goals to meet. I guess I'm thankful for the awareness of this flaw in me. I'm hoping that awareness leads to a better, more noble quest to find gratitude. And I'm not talking of the gratitude that is conjured up to meet some manifestation of more.....I'd like my quest to be a little different. I'm searching for the Holy Grail of Gratitude; the kind that permeates my soul and comes out just because I'm open, looking, knowing that little gifts happen everyday if I'm available, without expectation to what they will look like.
Last evening, as Thanksgiving 2013 began its sunset into Black Friday, I've thought over the past year, many of the deer crossing moments that came my way and I wondered if my friends know how grateful I am for their part in the gifts. The friends that watched my ranch time and time again, lambing out culls while I attended Heppner, watching the flock while I hit the road for Kentucky, chicken sitting my flock of hens. I think about the friend that drove with me for three weeks, living out of a little 17 foot travel trailer, 7 dogs 10 days of trailing, endless miles filled with the exchange of blood, sweat and tears. While another opened her ranch in Nebraska taking on two little known travel weary girls who sorely needed a washing machine and a bit of dog work. Then there was the friend in Missouri that allowed a helping hand during a time when having someone around might just make for more work. Another friend being willing to share a ride and work out the details of a Washington DC airport with two dogs and all the stress and overwhelm that was trying to stop my trip to the Virginia Finals. The phone calls when real life got a little heavy, the support when the impossible took courage, when many a superficial friend would bale, there were those who dug deep, stood in the gap, carried me for a little while. The friend that I am thankful to call a mentor, speaking true words to me; giving precious time to watch my dogs run, to not give up on me. A friend that allows the trust of big fields and flocks of sheep for my pleasure. The friends that decompress after runs with truth, honesty, death to ego....those who share the journey knowing it is more about self. The new friend that shares in the dogs, the work, the training.
Today, with everything in me, I want to thank you! Thank all of you who have given me a little bit of yourself....crossing in front of me on the road of life. I can't even begin to express all the gratitude I have for each of the gifts given, big or small, known to the world or known just by me.......how thankful I am for what each of you helps mold me into.
“He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.” ~ Lao Tzu
May I be filled with gratitude every day I draw breath.....
Seize the day!!!!
I took the long way home yesterday; the road that winds up through the timber dense hills breaking out into green fields of agriculture. An early morning Thanksgiving visit to the ranch to feed was in order to allow for my busy Turkey Day schedule. The day's feast needed to be whipped up while honoring our long standing family tradition of a movie in the theatre which meant a good three hours away from home. As I drove along, my mind making and checking lists, I looked up ahead around the corner darkened by thick overgrowth, just as four deer slowly stepped out onto the road. I slowed down as I approached them, watching their elegant prancing trot as they crossed over to the forest waiting to swallow them up into unnoticed blending on the other side. I came to a stop and looked left, my grandpa's forest training that has become instinct to me after years of hunting with him, and indeed it was as I knew....a big doe brought up the rear guard. I watched her cross there in front of my big red truck, pronging quickly once she passed the far head light, ending with a big leap to join her family who had already gone safely ahead. I sat still, trying to watch the family for as long as I could see them until their camouflage tricked my eyes and they could have privacy. After they were gone, I felt like I had been given a gift....one of remembering yet again that life is full of tiny little gifts if I am willing to be open and watchful for them. Willing and watchful while dying to my clock, allowing time to be filled with gratitude for small treasures I collect as life unfolds.
There are days where I allow myself to get caught up in a taken for granted life. I focus on what needs to be done, what needs to be fixed, or worse yet what I don't have, what goals have fallen short, what requests have not yet been filled. My to-do list never gets done. Not that I am not productive but there are always things to add; more projects taken on, more goals to meet. I guess I'm thankful for the awareness of this flaw in me. I'm hoping that awareness leads to a better, more noble quest to find gratitude. And I'm not talking of the gratitude that is conjured up to meet some manifestation of more.....I'd like my quest to be a little different. I'm searching for the Holy Grail of Gratitude; the kind that permeates my soul and comes out just because I'm open, looking, knowing that little gifts happen everyday if I'm available, without expectation to what they will look like.
Last evening, as Thanksgiving 2013 began its sunset into Black Friday, I've thought over the past year, many of the deer crossing moments that came my way and I wondered if my friends know how grateful I am for their part in the gifts. The friends that watched my ranch time and time again, lambing out culls while I attended Heppner, watching the flock while I hit the road for Kentucky, chicken sitting my flock of hens. I think about the friend that drove with me for three weeks, living out of a little 17 foot travel trailer, 7 dogs 10 days of trailing, endless miles filled with the exchange of blood, sweat and tears. While another opened her ranch in Nebraska taking on two little known travel weary girls who sorely needed a washing machine and a bit of dog work. Then there was the friend in Missouri that allowed a helping hand during a time when having someone around might just make for more work. Another friend being willing to share a ride and work out the details of a Washington DC airport with two dogs and all the stress and overwhelm that was trying to stop my trip to the Virginia Finals. The phone calls when real life got a little heavy, the support when the impossible took courage, when many a superficial friend would bale, there were those who dug deep, stood in the gap, carried me for a little while. The friend that I am thankful to call a mentor, speaking true words to me; giving precious time to watch my dogs run, to not give up on me. A friend that allows the trust of big fields and flocks of sheep for my pleasure. The friends that decompress after runs with truth, honesty, death to ego....those who share the journey knowing it is more about self. The new friend that shares in the dogs, the work, the training.
Today, with everything in me, I want to thank you! Thank all of you who have given me a little bit of yourself....crossing in front of me on the road of life. I can't even begin to express all the gratitude I have for each of the gifts given, big or small, known to the world or known just by me.......how thankful I am for what each of you helps mold me into.
“He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.” ~ Lao Tzu
May I be filled with gratitude every day I draw breath.....
Seize the day!!!!
Monday, November 11, 2013
Four Might Be a Charm!
First, I want to say thank you to all of those who took time to write the kindest of words filled with encouragement and support. The days are smoothing out the raw edges a little and the bottom of the wound is granulating, slowly starting to fill in. Memories swaddle the ache in balm and friends provide the compression bandage that holds my heart together while it gets used to the new Spark sized hole that's been left behind. I miss him.
I am very glad I did not let grieving keep me from attending my fourth Scott Glen shedding clinic up at Fido's Farm. The clinic was darn right amazing for me. I'm not sure if I had heard the insight and wisdom that was shared before; if I have, it went in one ear and out the other. Be to the fact that clinics are the bread and butter to clinicians, I am not one to tell the secrets of the trade with discussions about exercises and specifics with anyone other than those who paid to attend......but I will say the basic teaching was about ME! Does that surprise anyone?? ME! Yep, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME!!!! Pretty self centered and self absorbed, eh?
If I were a dog, I would have a bit of eye, a lot of come forward...and I might be a little "on the muscle"! I'm working on cleaning up my flanks, having open flanks be my first go-to, coming on when I need to, learning to saunter, working smart and using the clock as my friend, working in the middle of the ring, managing my sheep without shutting them down, having a plan but being able to see the bigger picture as contingency plans unfold, if I am going to do something radical: do it wholly, find enjoyment in speed and movement, and biggest and most important, accurately reading my sheep. I don't think there are any "secrets" to the above.....
I think my biggest issue is focusing so hard on understanding shedding....all those teeny tiny nuances that feel like the stars in the universe that come together to allow a shed, especially of the international variety. I'm not sure I remember the exact process of learning to drive a car....but I'm sure shedding is a lot like that....it becomes more familiar over time with miles and experiences. It was easier to claim driving my own when I had a driving instructor who helped show me the ropes with the safety net of a brake on his side of the vehicle. Hence why I continue to go to this shedding clinic; I hope to develop good habits by way of osmosis from the fellow who gets the best shed at big trials on a regular basis. It was good to sort out my natural inclinations...that way I can work on developing muscle memory in a more productive fashion. When I concentrate, my flanks get tight, I focus on the specific sheep I want to cut off and I squeeze. I'm a maker! Sheep don't like to be made......maybe if I were a more powerful dog I could 'make them' on more occasions but I need to become a crafty dog, so to speak. Now it is time to develop some new natural inclinations while not going to far in the other direction. It might be time to put my name in the hat for some big flock winter work again, with or without my dogs.
The journey continues and life lessons are scooped out and served up with side dishes: self evaluation, learning, improvement. I always expect so much from my dogs.....I'm glad for clinics that are about accountability for me to step up to become who my dogs need and, for that matter, deserve. Where earlier years, I focused all on the dogs.....now I see, again and again, how this really is about me. Relationships can not be meaningful and deeply rewarding without both parties holding up their ends of the commitment. My dogs give me so much.....I'm thankful for the opportunities to learn how to develop more in me to give back!
Seize the Day!
I am very glad I did not let grieving keep me from attending my fourth Scott Glen shedding clinic up at Fido's Farm. The clinic was darn right amazing for me. I'm not sure if I had heard the insight and wisdom that was shared before; if I have, it went in one ear and out the other. Be to the fact that clinics are the bread and butter to clinicians, I am not one to tell the secrets of the trade with discussions about exercises and specifics with anyone other than those who paid to attend......but I will say the basic teaching was about ME! Does that surprise anyone?? ME! Yep, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME!!!! Pretty self centered and self absorbed, eh?
If I were a dog, I would have a bit of eye, a lot of come forward...and I might be a little "on the muscle"! I'm working on cleaning up my flanks, having open flanks be my first go-to, coming on when I need to, learning to saunter, working smart and using the clock as my friend, working in the middle of the ring, managing my sheep without shutting them down, having a plan but being able to see the bigger picture as contingency plans unfold, if I am going to do something radical: do it wholly, find enjoyment in speed and movement, and biggest and most important, accurately reading my sheep. I don't think there are any "secrets" to the above.....
I think my biggest issue is focusing so hard on understanding shedding....all those teeny tiny nuances that feel like the stars in the universe that come together to allow a shed, especially of the international variety. I'm not sure I remember the exact process of learning to drive a car....but I'm sure shedding is a lot like that....it becomes more familiar over time with miles and experiences. It was easier to claim driving my own when I had a driving instructor who helped show me the ropes with the safety net of a brake on his side of the vehicle. Hence why I continue to go to this shedding clinic; I hope to develop good habits by way of osmosis from the fellow who gets the best shed at big trials on a regular basis. It was good to sort out my natural inclinations...that way I can work on developing muscle memory in a more productive fashion. When I concentrate, my flanks get tight, I focus on the specific sheep I want to cut off and I squeeze. I'm a maker! Sheep don't like to be made......maybe if I were a more powerful dog I could 'make them' on more occasions but I need to become a crafty dog, so to speak. Now it is time to develop some new natural inclinations while not going to far in the other direction. It might be time to put my name in the hat for some big flock winter work again, with or without my dogs.
The journey continues and life lessons are scooped out and served up with side dishes: self evaluation, learning, improvement. I always expect so much from my dogs.....I'm glad for clinics that are about accountability for me to step up to become who my dogs need and, for that matter, deserve. Where earlier years, I focused all on the dogs.....now I see, again and again, how this really is about me. Relationships can not be meaningful and deeply rewarding without both parties holding up their ends of the commitment. My dogs give me so much.....I'm thankful for the opportunities to learn how to develop more in me to give back!
Seize the Day!
Thursday, November 7, 2013
I Thought I Knew
Yesterday, I did the impossible. Finding the courage to help a four-legged friend across the rainbow bridge is right up at the top of my list of impossible things......the drive to the vet's office taking 9 1/2 years, yet I blinked and I was there. I tried to dig deep and find my inner Amazon Warrior Dragon Slaying Woman....but I burst into tears in front of the poor receptionist and crowded waiting room. The receptionist is pretty new to the clinic; a young, cute blonde that I intimidate the hell out of....she did not understand the chokes coming out of my throat, but my vet did. He saved her, coming around the corner, through the door and whisking me around back to the safety of my truck. My truck that swaddled my dog in fleece on the front seat....DRIVE AWAY! Drive back down those nine years; play a little more ball, work him on sheep, let go, laugh, be silly, have fun, embrace friendships and don't take the competition so freaking seriously.
Spark was an old 12 1/2, very sick and I had promises that I had made to him. Promises of quality of life, living pain-free, not making him suffer in days for me......and he was tired and sick and could not walk nor eat and a little bit of me was weak too. I did not want to see him struggle to survive to make me happy. He had spent his whole life trying to make me happy.....now it was my turn to let him go. I held him, there on that front seat, all the way to the bridge and cried dark flooding winter cloud buckets of tears after he crossed. Please let there be Heaven where I can throw a mean tennis ball for my friend when I cross.
I had no idea how damn sad it would be, the minutes turning to hours and now a day of a Spark-less life. The pack adjusts and I had no idea how quiet it would be. Spark was the rebel-rouser and just a tad bit demented old dog that would go out and bark; maybe for the fun of barking, maybe barking at shadows, maybe barking to get me to come out and tell him to be quiet. Snook is lost without her buddy.....in the younger years he would chase her around the Sport Court and it was always, for Snook anyway, a serious race to see who could win. Snook used to always win. Mostly because she does everything serious while Spark did things to make his friends happy. He never had that do-or-die attitude nor did he find he could not live without the win...so he let Snook be the Alpha Bee of the backyard. In the past year, with age and creaking bones, Snook would pick on Spark. He always took it like an older brother, "ya, ya, you snarkie old bitch" and I would go and have words with Snook sometimes dosing a time out with a side of Tramadol. Snook is lost. This morning she had words with Bella and Bella isn't the kind of dog to "ya ya" Snook. So I watch the pack with a stern vigilance, knowing 'this too shall pass". Nell surprised me with her sadness.....she laid with me on the couch last night, putting her head on my shoulder, feeling my pain and looking for her buddy. Spark and Nell would spend evenings together in the front room, sleeping on the "finer" furniture while the rest of us watched TV. Nell is lost too.
It's too quiet here at my house today. Me, I continue to let go, grieve, feel the sadness, and miss Spark. I sort and resort, beating myself up and countering with forgiveness. I find a bit of healing in the memories and sorting photos for Spark's life movie; if I could only print the pictures in my mind. Instead I'll weave his story with words trying to capture his essence and hold it in my heart where he can live on. Live on as the youngster that changed my life so radically by all he gave my son and all the rest of us that got to share in his life.
"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard" - A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh
I know I am not alone in my grief, many friends have had to help their best friends across the rainbow bridge. I take comfort from their journeys of life after.....right now the missing consumes me but their survival gives me hope. I'm off to, yes indeed, another shedding clinic.....on the one hand I don't want to go...I'm such bad company. On the other hand, it might be nice to get out and stretch my heart a little, give my tear ducts a break.
Life goes on, it's for the living, there are memories to make...be sure to pack a camera.....and hug each dog.
Seize the Day!
Spark was an old 12 1/2, very sick and I had promises that I had made to him. Promises of quality of life, living pain-free, not making him suffer in days for me......and he was tired and sick and could not walk nor eat and a little bit of me was weak too. I did not want to see him struggle to survive to make me happy. He had spent his whole life trying to make me happy.....now it was my turn to let him go. I held him, there on that front seat, all the way to the bridge and cried dark flooding winter cloud buckets of tears after he crossed. Please let there be Heaven where I can throw a mean tennis ball for my friend when I cross.
I had no idea how damn sad it would be, the minutes turning to hours and now a day of a Spark-less life. The pack adjusts and I had no idea how quiet it would be. Spark was the rebel-rouser and just a tad bit demented old dog that would go out and bark; maybe for the fun of barking, maybe barking at shadows, maybe barking to get me to come out and tell him to be quiet. Snook is lost without her buddy.....in the younger years he would chase her around the Sport Court and it was always, for Snook anyway, a serious race to see who could win. Snook used to always win. Mostly because she does everything serious while Spark did things to make his friends happy. He never had that do-or-die attitude nor did he find he could not live without the win...so he let Snook be the Alpha Bee of the backyard. In the past year, with age and creaking bones, Snook would pick on Spark. He always took it like an older brother, "ya, ya, you snarkie old bitch" and I would go and have words with Snook sometimes dosing a time out with a side of Tramadol. Snook is lost. This morning she had words with Bella and Bella isn't the kind of dog to "ya ya" Snook. So I watch the pack with a stern vigilance, knowing 'this too shall pass". Nell surprised me with her sadness.....she laid with me on the couch last night, putting her head on my shoulder, feeling my pain and looking for her buddy. Spark and Nell would spend evenings together in the front room, sleeping on the "finer" furniture while the rest of us watched TV. Nell is lost too.
It's too quiet here at my house today. Me, I continue to let go, grieve, feel the sadness, and miss Spark. I sort and resort, beating myself up and countering with forgiveness. I find a bit of healing in the memories and sorting photos for Spark's life movie; if I could only print the pictures in my mind. Instead I'll weave his story with words trying to capture his essence and hold it in my heart where he can live on. Live on as the youngster that changed my life so radically by all he gave my son and all the rest of us that got to share in his life.
"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard" - A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh
I know I am not alone in my grief, many friends have had to help their best friends across the rainbow bridge. I take comfort from their journeys of life after.....right now the missing consumes me but their survival gives me hope. I'm off to, yes indeed, another shedding clinic.....on the one hand I don't want to go...I'm such bad company. On the other hand, it might be nice to get out and stretch my heart a little, give my tear ducts a break.
Life goes on, it's for the living, there are memories to make...be sure to pack a camera.....and hug each dog.
Seize the Day!
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Tid Bits
In preparation for winter projects, yesterday I went to Ikea and bought the fixings for two stand up computer tables. Sitting takes its toll on my psoas! Mission accomplished, psoas saved, however, my Ikea experience was purgatory verging on hell for me. Thank goodness I made the mistake of going upstairs into the showroom first....I had my list of what I was after but had no idea I would need to know the aisle and bin number from the huge mother of a warehouse below. Some marketing genius from Sweden came up with that never ending show room.....big, fat, winding, yellow brick road and signs assuring me I was headed to checkout and store room down a level but I kept going around and around with those displays! Thank GOD they did not have their crazy food bins at each change of room, I might have had a sit down and eaten a few Swedish Fish! I did find a bed I want once I get the new carpet in.....bastard marketing people!
Indeed, I walked away with the items I needed to accomplish my mission, although I did not get the correct brackets, what I did get worked fine. The stand up computer desk turned out very slick......and the whole idea was borrowed from Colin Nederkoorn's Blog
So here's to a healthy psoas....and some extra calories burned in the process.....
Seize the Day!!!!
Indeed, I walked away with the items I needed to accomplish my mission, although I did not get the correct brackets, what I did get worked fine. The stand up computer desk turned out very slick......and the whole idea was borrowed from Colin Nederkoorn's Blog
So here's to a healthy psoas....and some extra calories burned in the process.....
Seize the Day!!!!
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