Just Things

I posted this on FB the other day with mixed reviews:

"The truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen." - Pema Chödrön

There were folks who did not want healing....and others who could not lived without the end result of "solve" and, perhaps that is not the best word Pema could have used, but the quote speaks to me.  It might be a world wide issue but I know I struggle with the idea that SOMETHING other than what I have can make me happy.  That idea holds hands with....my end goal of life being perfect.  Life can feel like a rat race...my vision board filled with furthering goals, my passion planner lined out with all the self improvement programs to 'fix' me and all the things-to-do accomplish everything lists.  More land, a different dog, smaller jeans, less rain, a new president....gah!!!!!  

An example would be my goal of property and living where my sheep life! BAM....got it, nailed it, Heaven.  All my dreams of doing big outruns, and getting up in the morning and going out and training in my pajamas became reality.  That, my friends, is the "come together" aspect of the above quote.  Then there is the "fall apart".....my dogs see sheep through the fence now; never happened before because my sheep were 7 miles away.  This place had stock on it, before I moved in, that had some diseases I am dealing with in my sheep; haven't seen this for a long time because I ran a closed flock.  I don't throw dogs in the truck every single darn day and have them stay in crates for hours at a time because I don't have to drive to my ranch anymore; I live here!  Which, the dogs love but I have to work with them on becoming good travelers where before it was just life.  I would NOT trade the "fall apart" for the world...I LOVE living here.....these are just the challenges I did not see until I was living them.

I'm working on ......"room for all this to happen".....and being okay with it.  I wrestle with the frustration of treating sheep......but when I live in the moment, using my talent to critically think...I find the most amazing dog work that I would never have been able to manufacture without being forced to treat the flock.  Tight barn work, pushing through chutes, sorting off sickies that need treated, using different dogs to do the work....all this is showing me where my dogs need more confidence and also where they shine. 

I think this applies to all of life, really.  The training up of young dogs...where we go out some days and its coming together nicely and bam, something goes wrong.  I remember the early days with Bella.....she'd look good and then a sheep would break and it was all down hill gripping from there!  I'd get so frustrated and think of selling her.  My mentor told me to either sell her or commit to a year.  I committed to a year and it was in the "falling apart" that I learned to dig deep, see things different, try another approach....the falling apart was where my growth was.  Now, at 10, Bella is my go-to do-any-and-everything heart dog.....the working through all our falling aparts has made an amazing relationship between us.  

Sheepdog trials are another place where things come together and fall apart for me.  The coming together of THAT run where the hair stands up on my neck because my dog and I are working well together is probably what has me going back for more.  The falling apart of the run not going as expected...or judged as I thought it should be.  Letting room for it to all just be...learning and growing and working on all that I need to work on is the growth in allowing for room.  It's so easy or perhaps even human nature to blame the falling apart: crappy sheep, bad dog, worse judging.  Again perhaps the magic happens in the falling apart....the questions of have I done my work, does my dog understand, is my ego causing issues...is today the day to work on sportsmanship instead of lamenting my views?

I'm not the one to naturally embrace the falling apart though.  I like things tidy (except when it comes to housework and that is not for here) and I am a recovering perfectionist.  That perfectionistic nature has to be slain in all things of my life almost daily...I've seen it rear it's ugly head everywhere: food, exercise, dog work, gardening, even knitting for crying out loud!  And so, I soldier on embracing the flow...some days complaining about it, other days lamenting, and other days finding a bit peace and healing from the growth and grace that can only be given in the messiness of life.  

Seize the day!!!