I Thought I Knew

Yesterday, I did the impossible.  Finding the courage to help a four-legged friend across the rainbow bridge is right up at the top of my list of impossible things......the drive to the vet's office taking 9 1/2 years, yet I blinked and I was there.  I tried to dig deep and find my inner Amazon Warrior Dragon Slaying Woman....but I burst into tears in front of the poor receptionist and crowded waiting room.  The receptionist is pretty new to the clinic; a young, cute blonde that I intimidate the hell out of....she did not understand the chokes coming out of my throat, but my vet did.  He saved her, coming around the corner, through the door and whisking me around back to the safety of my truck.  My truck that swaddled my dog in fleece on the front seat....DRIVE AWAY!  Drive back down those nine years; play a little more ball, work him on sheep, let go, laugh, be silly, have fun, embrace friendships and don't take the competition so freaking seriously. 

Spark was an old 12 1/2, very sick and I had promises that I had made to him.  Promises of quality of life, living pain-free, not making him suffer in days for me......and he was tired and sick and could not walk nor eat and a little bit of me was weak too. I did not want to see him struggle to survive to make me happy.  He had spent his whole life trying to make me happy.....now it was my turn to let him go. I held him, there on that front seat, all the way to the bridge and cried dark flooding winter cloud buckets of tears after he crossed. Please let there be Heaven where I can throw a mean tennis ball for my friend when I cross. 

I had no idea how damn sad it would be, the minutes turning to hours and now a day of a Spark-less life.  The pack adjusts and I had no idea how quiet it would be. Spark was the rebel-rouser and just a tad bit demented old dog that would go out and bark; maybe for the fun of barking, maybe barking at shadows, maybe barking to get me to come out and tell him to be quiet.  Snook is lost without her buddy.....in the younger years he would chase her around the Sport Court and it was always, for Snook anyway, a serious race to see who could win. Snook used to always win.  Mostly because she does everything serious while Spark did things to make his friends happy.  He never had that do-or-die attitude nor did he find he could not live without the win...so he let Snook be the Alpha Bee of the backyard.  In the past year, with age and creaking bones, Snook would pick on Spark.  He always took it like an older brother, "ya, ya, you snarkie old bitch" and I would go and have words with Snook sometimes dosing a time out with a side of Tramadol. Snook is lost.  This morning she had words with Bella and Bella isn't the kind of dog to "ya ya" Snook.  So I watch the pack with a stern vigilance, knowing 'this too shall pass".  Nell surprised me with her sadness.....she laid with me on the couch last night, putting her head on my shoulder, feeling my pain and looking for her buddy.  Spark and Nell would spend evenings together in the front room, sleeping on the "finer" furniture while the rest of us watched TV.  Nell is lost too.

It's too quiet here at my house today.  Me, I continue to let go, grieve, feel the sadness, and miss Spark.  I sort and resort, beating myself up and countering with forgiveness.  I find a bit of healing in the memories and sorting photos for Spark's life movie; if I could only print the pictures in my mind.  Instead I'll weave his story with words trying to capture his essence and hold it in my heart where he can live on.  Live on as the youngster that changed my life so radically by all he gave my son and all the rest of us that got to share in his life.  

"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard" - A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

I know I am not alone in my grief, many friends have had to help their best friends across the rainbow bridge.  I take comfort from their journeys of life after.....right now the missing consumes me but their survival gives me hope.  I'm off to, yes indeed, another shedding clinic.....on the one hand I don't want to go...I'm such bad company. On the other hand, it might be nice to get out and stretch my heart a little, give my tear ducts a break.

Life goes on, it's for the living, there are memories to make...be sure to pack a camera.....and hug each dog.

Seize the Day!